C'est la vie..

It looks like the worse is over. I'm now grateful for getting my health back to normal, sleeping is easier too so my mind must be calmer than it has been. There are less anxiety attacks, I'm just going to ride this one out i.e. my countdown time before saying my farewell's... but in the meanwhile I'm back to chasing fun like I once used too. Signed up for another type of class much to the delight of my hips but I'm no where near bragging yet..... so lets wait and see and besides I have limited time to accomplish what I want to as I'm out of here in two months time and won't be able to attend classes thereafter. But if living is for the now that's what I'm doing. Of course I have bouts of sadness which is natural and it still makes be angry because it seems so stupid and such a waste but I can't change a thing especially not how people think and more importantly how they feel.. So for now I'm settling for... the ultimate of all cliché's... c'est la vie...

Hopeless !!!

Hope is something I've always believed it , thought it has to exist in order for me to live but last night while lying under the stars in my hot bubbly love tub I imagined what it would be like if I could live without hope. Now surely that must be the best kind of living. I'm far from reaching that ideal but I imagined if I could live without hope of any kind then I'll be living just for now.. and by so doing I would be focussing only in the now instead of worrying about what happened and what may happen.
Just imagine.. for one mouth watering delicious moment I thought I could do it too until I saw a shooting star and of course as usual out of habit I made a wish and hoped it would come true.
Hopeless!!!!

Everything CAN wait...

Its been a brutal last few days, being ill just makes it all the more worse. Confusion reigns when I'm not sure if my lungs are packing in or my heart is breaking.
All this after having my fair share of emotional onslaught...from family , work and so called friends...but in earnest I'm not sure how I really feel, which is scary because when dealing with emotional stuff I should imagine its best to deal with them as it happens.. ..but sometimes it all becomes a tad too much.. that's when I find it hard to react at all.
There are just too many questions.. unjustifiable actions and words .. everything keeps going round and round my head without reaching finality.
I'm a master as justifying almost any situation often to my own detriment .. but then there are situations when it just takes me a lot longer and then invariably I end up settling for a string of clichés like.. such is life, you can't change the world, takes all kinds etc etc. which is small comfort to me.i.e someone who has to rationalise almost everything she does.
Now all I can think of is a line I heard on a sitcom recently which keeps coming back at me.. "I can't afford to fall apart right now" now adopted as my mantra, morning noon and night.
My hurt or pain or disappointment whatever the hell it is I feel, can wait... take a number.... hopefully in the process it becomes an insignificant dot in my brain which can then be dissolved in a big fat solitary tear.

Different worlds...

On a chilly winter's evening.... my world is still and peaceful . I can hear the winds blowing fiercely outside but I am warm and snug indoors beside my fire, my body slightly batted from an invasion of the flu bug , my mind a little like cotton wool on account of the drugs I've been taking but the shock horror of the bombings on the railways in Bombay was a sober and sombre awakening to the world out there and its atrocities. Bombay, a city that tugged at my heart strings in my 48 hr stay over.. a city that beckons me to return... now in a state of chaos and disruption. I can only say a prayer for those who have to endure the suffering and hope that all's well with my friends out there.

Maybe..

Great night out-not so great morning in.
Everyone keeps telling me how different its going to be.. like a new lease on life, once I leave the corporate world to venture out on my own. First hand experience from others who'd gone through the very same.. its true they do appear to have changed for the better, so there's a glimmer of hope.

There is a yearning within me to take a short break ,go back to India maybe.. this time with the right mindframe..I wish I could convince my husband to come with,but now is not the right time to talk to him ,he's been lost for a while both in mind and body,consumed by his own world and its people.

I look at him and see how he's changed , the transformation quite amazing and evident in spite of my closeness to him.I'm filled with pride and happiness but can't help feeling that in comparison to him I have not moved at all.Maybe now's the chance for change for me..but who am I kidding real change can only come if I will it to.. not by influence alone.

A scary thought.

I've never believed in the "oneness of love".. if I did I would be content simply just to love myself..
Our love has endured over the many years that we've been together as partners in life simply because of the differences between us.
Its those differences that have made us dependable on each other to the extent that we are but all along we've managed to remain as we would like to be,two separate and unique individuals.. We are not one.
Now I sit here and wonder what will became of me if I just allow myself to became an extension of him, or his shadow.. Am I even capable of doing that.?

woe is me.

Lying in bed last night I'm thinking why is it I hate sleeping. The truth be known I find it harder these days to sleep like I once did. My mind is in red alert/ overdrive, and I can't stop trying to re- arange the world inside my head, but when the morning comes it finds me with my brain quite dead.
So if I'm late that's my reason, if my mood is foul that's also the reason, of course it doesn't help trying to make up for lost time while driving behind some ol toot, who is obviously sightseeing BUT driving on the fast lane. It doesn't help too that recently I've paid some hefty fines for driving above the speed limit, Well it all just sucks, I could get off my car and run faster than the speed limits in some zones, Now honestly..!!!!