Pain.

While my life lay ahead of me his was coming to an end. I stood by the bed and watched as he took his last few breaths.
The faces around me told me I was meant to cry which I did dutifully.

Some say he was talented , but that talent was suffocated in the times we lived, misdirected by his addiction.
Music was his life, classical Jazz his passion. I never understood how a grown man could cry as he did , tears rolling down his face while he made us all listen to what he said were the some of the greatest, over and over again.
We were three, none as musical as he was,none as appreciative as he was , still somewhere I must carry his gene.He was my father and I was the apple of his eye.

I saw then, felt much later, but understand now.
Pain that we are each born to carry never leaves you, never dies... it just re- surfaces time and time again sometimes through the eyes of relative strangers.That's probably why we warm to some and not others..... why we fail to explain why we stay when clearly we should move on.

Crossroads..

Yet another , much sooner than I expected. Despite the stress that goes with having to make a life changing move its been the most remarkable 8 months of my working career ever. The main reason apart from the work itself is the people I have worked with, by far the most jovial and light-hearted bunch ever.The comradeship simply mind-blowing.. an example OUR RAINBOW NATION at its best.

Working with them I've learnt that I'm far too serious .. will be dead in the next decade if I don't watch my high stress levels, that I tend to call a spade a spade using language not generally associated with a woman that looks like me..or any woman for that matter... will never know what looks have to do with what comes out of one's mouth and why language should be sexist... but never mind....

In a few months all this will be history, I'll hold the memories for as long as I can but in time even that will go. I am incredibly scared not to mention anxious as I have no plans, not a clue as to what I'll do or where I'll go.... all that is clear to me is that this sacrifice I make has something to do with love ( me at my melodramatic best) the rest I'll figure out in time. My partner in life, God bless his heart, has re- assured me that this may turn out to be the best thing I've ever done.. I have no choice but to put my money on him.

Its hard..

To resist the temptation just to talk to you, to share with you news both good and bad, a joke or two.
Learning to be a master of my mouth as opposed to a slave to my words..
not easy ..

This solitary spot..

Take these thoughts for what they're worth
I no longer wish to retain them
They've been around for too long and overstayed their welcome
They plague me with their monotony
In fact I 'd like to make them mute
better still I'll leave then here, chained to this solitary spot
Perhaps a stranger passing by may chose to adopt them
Then again perhaps its wiser not to.

On this day- You

There are no signs.. like you promised me... my beliefs lie suspended. but I am what I am because of you and although its a little harder to go on, your love and all that you did for me is what keeps me alive.. and of course the memories of love right to the bitter end.

Wannabe

I want to be your friend.. but you're not too keen I can tell. The reasons are pretty clear to me but I was hopeful that I could obliterate them. On the face of it its a juvenile engagement but it goes way deeper than that. It transgresses my prejudices and your limitations, its crude , harsh and extremely venomous .. but it lures me none the less.
There are limitations in what I can say or do.. it fascinates me as I tow the line.. scares me too because its a thin line and I'm bound to falter.. if I do I'll lose you- my friend, I wish just this once there could be a forever but forever is just a word ,I know.. still... don't want to have to lose someone as precious as you.

Take two..

Two minds to take me through.. one filled with the realities of life and the other filled with a life so far removed from it, its often difficult to extract myself from it.The trick of course is trying to find the balance between the two....I think I'll die trying..

Honesty..

In this day and age its made to order.. Now that's real SAD.

New beginnings...

I think not
there are no beginnings
no endings
just somewhere in the middle, where I find myself , waiting to pick up from where I left off, waiting to blossom only to die again, and then of course to start all over again.