As it happens...

8 Random facts about me….

2007-08-29T14:22:00.000+01:00

Was tagged a long while ago to do this… and really I had to think long and hard…….. not because I don’t know 8 facts about me but simply because I don’t think it matters much what I think about me … what seems to be more important is how others perceive you and if that agrees with what you think you are then bingo you’re giving off the right message. .. if not then hell it really doesn’t matter WHAT you think….
For example does it matter that I may think I’m really some hot woman oozing sex appeal if in truth others see me as a dork… Majority wins ….. Anyway enough said lets start.

1/I’m a nice person… that’s what I think… I hate the word nice because it conveys so little but still I think I’m nice. I’m nice because I lack the guts to really say what I want to most of the time… only because I feel its better to keep the peace than cause more fracas ...so really its a "cowardly nice".

2/ I’m a mother to my only child who is almost a man… so he tells me and most times I doubt that I’ve done a good job raising him … but perhaps he’s yet to surprise me … ( I hope.. I hope) Most of the seeds have now been sown so really there is little more I can do...

I know I was a rebel when I was younger and I know too that I DID change I can’t believe how much and all the things I once moaned about has come home to roost and now I see the wisdom of the advice which I once so arrogantly shrugged off. .The thing is I was wild and did irresponsible stuff which btw never cuased anyone any harm and I never really got caught out and what’s more I wouldn’t change it for the world ..

Its a walk meant for when you’re younger.. when you lack fear and when you think you know a lot .Its a walk of life that moulds you.

3/ Now in my forties I almost thought I had lost the "wildness" within but just recently I shocked myself and surprised my longheld and dearest friend who claims she knows me better than I know myself … she almost gave up on me that day but wait there’s a good ending... we made up and promised that... that one would go into our memory bank for when we’re both much much old and sitting on our stoop toothlessly sipping tea… My job has been done… yes I can be a shocker…

Would I do it again ?.. absolutely the adrenalin rush was worth more than the sum worth of my life ….

5/ I love music and my taste in such is vast… I especially like silly songs which I can sing along too in the car while driving… Most times I drive alone… ( thank god)... latest one I heard is by Shaun Kingston… called beautiful girl… The lyrics is less than riveting but the tune is catchy and the accent just kills me... its sang with a strong West Indian accent which just tickles me pick… Love it!!! but its NOT an everlasting love…

6/ I’m a loner.. no doubt about that.. I spend most of time alone… but I can socialise when I need to and can let my hair down if I really must.

7/ I’m a stickler for neatness and cleanliness and drive both my son and husband crazy .. I believe this is a sick trait of mine but one I can’t seem to shake off..

“so who cares if the beds are made its too beautiful a day not to go out NOW.. and just enjoy “… something some one once told me.. of course I made the beds first. See I’m a hopeless case… If I didn’t that would have bothered me all the time.

8/ Last but not least… I wish I could either sing or dance or both … its an expression I sadly lack but desire .

ps :I hate blogger I tried 10 times to change all the font so that its all the same... failed.. URG!!!!!

Distraction.......

2007-08-23T14:31:00.000+01:00

It’s the killer of all things great and yet I’m sadly addicted.

I can smell it before it comes and I run to meet it half way… anything to keep me from doing that which is meant to be… that which I ought to be doing…. that which is expected of me…. that which cannot hold me bound….I’ve often thought I could be “ someone” if I was not so overcome by distraction, if I could somehow block it out and live in a more focussed way, concentrating on all that which is meant to ensure that I “ progress” or evolve for want of a better word rather than stagnate and yet somehow that little voice keeps asking why?

The answers and explanations are plentiful, yet they still leave me unfulfilled. Perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be for those such as me.

Love don’t live here anymore….

2007-05-29T11:58:00.000+01:00

Love may not live here anymore but I do. And everyday I have to remind myself that a life without love is liveable . I remind myself that love lost is something that just happens and the fault lies with time in my case and not with any person..And I have to thank my lucky stars that I live in such beauty, in this temperate climate where the sky lights up behind the rays of a wintry sun and where the breeze is always cool and alive. The nights get easier too when you let go of expectations and allow anxiety to slip away where your heavy eyes close gently to let you sleep and the only pain you feel is that of your overworked body

Pointers...

2007-05-08T18:31:00.000+01:00

1/It really does not matter who or what you are but what matters most is who you think you are…

2/Those who are the most unassuming are those you need to pay more attention to. ..

3/Never deliberately burn your bridges ….

4/Last but not least never say naah I won’t ever do that..

Just four pointers for me to remember at this time, in my life.

I’m finding out that you can only truly enjoy and live life to the fullest( albeit in moments).. when you live as if you have nothing to lose…. dropping your guard and letting go… can be wildly liberating provided of course you survive it …unscathed in all respects.

Staying alive….

2007-04-27T11:12:00.000+01:00

The Molotov cocktail of life now is danger, fear and passion.

Things may not be working out quite as I had hoped but life has taken a new turn leaving me afloat this torrid sea. It's as volatile as Mount Vesuvius so God knows what’s next but in the meanwhile I’m using everything I have to survive it all. Regular blogging may just have to wait.

Touched...

2007-03-15T18:20:00.000+02:00

Its amazing how someone you’ve never met in person can reach out and touch you especially at times when you need it the most. From across the globe your kind gesture means so much to me. It reminds me that for all the sorrows we experience from the many disappointments in life there are joys too such as the joy of being kindly thought of by someone like you.

Thank you…. and even though we may never meet in person perhaps there is a chance we’ll meet in heaven someday :-)

Ps :… and while you remain here in this world know that I sincerely wish and hope that life brings you what you most desire.

Long hot summer…

2007-01-11T14:21:00.000+02:00

It’s been a long hot summer and it still is although I doubt we’ll get hotter than we’ve had already. No major complaints from my side and anyway even if I do who’s listening..… I’ve been doing my fair bit of house renovations, entertaining and being host to a few houseguests that have come by . Its been rewarding , stimulating but tiring too, getting a workout just from doing the normal household chores and getting as brown as a berry just from hanging out the washing.. while my dear friends have turned bright red. Bless my genes.
I’m now being called a lady of leisure although I don’t have much leisure at all, the help we are so lucky to have has taken a long break leaving me to prove that the true test of being a clean freak is when you’re left to do EVERYTHING yourself.
I can’t wait now for school to re- open and everything to get back to normal. Started thinking of job possibilities which I hope will materialise very soon but I’d like to get to the stage of utter boredom first before embarking on any new job but that’s not happening.Don’t know where my time goes but each day simply passes way to quickly. All the stuff I was hoping to do simply getting postponed in the interim. Most days I’m happy as a lark… there is very little reason for me not to be .. being home and enjoying the sun ,sea and fresh air seems to be good enough for now. It’s about as tranquil as anyone could wish for.Have not read a single book ..Shame on me!!!! but I have watched one great DVD which ranks as the best for the year. Called "What the bleep do we know…" Not your average movie ,more of a documentary than anything else but one which echo’s my sentiments and one which makes perfect sense to me. Now that we’re back to being a normal three in a family household..oops make that four as my dog is very much part of my household (in fact he requires as much attention as anyone else here )… hoping to have some real “me time”…. So if I don’t blog for a while it just means I’m busy playing catch up. Happy new year to you all.

Life and Happiness. :

2006-11-28T22:58:00.000+02:00

Life is nothing but a fight. Whoa!!!! and what a fight it sometimes is.
Anything worth fighting for is what keeps us going and that includes even the simplest act like getting up each morning and every breath one takes.
The older I get the more I tend to agree that no matter what you do, where you go, what you achieve, who you meet, who you even choose to spend your life growing old with.... true happiness is something you alone create without the help of anyone/ anything else and you alone can sustain...the rest is temporary and similar to rented space... But (there’s always a but) as life itself is temporary there is nothing wrong with finding and living with rented happiness…Nothing whatsoever as it beats no happiness at all. :-)

Doing the best I can..

2006-11-09T17:47:00.000+02:00

Where do I even start …I’ve resisted thus far not to post on this topic for in truth raising kids is bewildering to say the least.Your ideals and the advice you get fly out the window and real life experience and situations begin to guide and dictate...
Everychild is different how then can one stick by rules… so you break them and re- invent them but in short you do what it takes and more especially you do what you consider to be the best that you can do. And just when you think you have something figured out and want to put pen to paper you’re caught out by further surprises which no doubt are fuelled by the constant fluctuating levels of hormones prevalent in teenagers.. So everyday is a different day, some moments priceless and some bloodcurdling. My boy can be a saint today and the devil the next ..and somehow I seem to match his sentiments as I’m only human and lack the strength not to retaliate accordingly.
His world is only great if it revolves around him all the time and we all know living under those pretexts sooner or later the bubble is bound to burst failing that he finds himself living in a very, very insular world. Not cool at all..
But like most other people we have picture perfect family days when we’re all feeling warm , fuzzy and affectionate and extremely happy to have each other and just to be alive and then there are some days when we put the Adams Family to shame. .. its part of life…. taking the good and the bad, adjusting , learning to accept that perfection although possible at times is firstly susceptible to change itself and secondly hardly ever sustainable for long periods of time..
Right now my boy’s in that body beauty/ vanity is my name / I’m in love phase …not only with himself but with a nice young girl who seems equally smitten….I’m trying hard to refrain from any undue cynicism and to let things be, whilst ensuring that he does not get too fixated either ..
Its a balancing act and I’m often heavily slandered for my role as “chief balancier” ( its a title I’ve not only made up but bestowed upon myself too .. The queen I’m told is far too busy to worry about titles for us homely housewife types who none the less….. perform unnoticed small miracles from time to time. (Tut tut tut.)….
Anyway I’m also told that slander in any form be it…rudeness, harsh words , rebuffs , silent treatment , banging of car doors, wearing faces that look like the world has ended or the constant use of the word “whatever”…..from your teenage kids is their way of saying “I can’t see the validity of your point right now as it truly sucks and is most unsuitable to my current lifestyle but I’m sure its coming from someplace good therefore I should love you for it”

So for now I’ll take what I can get and any love is good love.. (as the song goes)…
And besides…
If most of everything comes packaged differently these days… why not love huh? :)

Testing times..

2006-11-03T04:11:00.000+02:00

Now nursing a week long chest infection which has severely deprived me of sleep turning me in a functioning zombie or at best someone whose stuck in a bad mood. And the worst part of it all is that I should be happy .. there is just so much happening that should and would delight me in normal circumstances but I can’t feel a wretched thing…For starters the cops have recovered my old car which was stolen some three years ago.. now that in my country is something to celebrate… the fact that I no longer legally own it and that there is a huge racket around the recovery of stolen cars, insurance co, salvage contracters, the insured losing money etc.. etc.. , is another matter altogether.
Its freezing tonight .. think there is also some hail , and the wind is howling I can hear it loud and clear…..everyone else is asleep including my dog. .its now 3.30 am….. still I left my warm bed as I couldn’t bear it any longer..my head connecting to the pillow just triggers my coughing bouts.. short of sleeping upright while sitting on a chair I’m blogging with the hope that soon I’ll be exhausted and crawl back to bed this time with more success and without having to try 101 different sleeping styles finding none worthwhile ending up disturbing my sleeping partner in the process.

Don’t ever underestimate the powers of a decent nights sleep and be truly grateful if you’ve had one.

Judge not…

2006-10-29T01:14:00.000+02:00

The levels of integrity,compassion, remorse, kindness, love and generosity among other things... differs greatly from person to person...Yet it’s the complete understanding and acceptance of this simple truth that often eludes me causing me misery and utter dissapointment.

I try not to judge because I don’t believe it is what I should do but it’s only "easy" relativly speaking not to be judgemental when one is not directly or indirectly involved.

Of course life without a challenge is no life at all so naturally its the “hard” that I strive and struggle to achieve... in pursuit of my completeness.

When one door closes..

2006-10-08T18:45:00.000+02:00

It’s too short a time to make sweeping statements about my new found freedom but I’ll say this much.. If you’ve worked almost all of your adult life and can afford to take a break ( long enough not to qualify as a holiday but rather a short change in lifestyle then my god do it… its worth a take... ) Of course I now follow another type of routine… one can never quite escape routines altogether…but its one I enjoy .. I also have no clue how long I can afford to live like this but pray that its long enough .Its not all fun and games either as I work harder now than I ever did .. doing household chores and cooking etc.. but that’s only because I’m spending more time in my home and my eyes see more than they did before. I’m reading too, something I never found the time to do much of before plus I‘ve embarked on some new recreational activities….. taking my mind/body where its never been before ...well all in my own time… as my body is apt to complaining a little too loudly at times and my mind well she’s just a tad awestruck by so much freedom it’s a lot harder to keep her in check these days.. but all in all….
It ain’t half bad.

ps: having more time to "bond " and raise my boy has now taken on a whole new dimension too ... but that deserves another posting all on its own... if and when I reach a stable level of understanding or maybe before that.. simply to maintain my level of sanity.

Celebrate Life..

2006-09-28T13:59:00.000+02:00

Its a " wow" day.. and when we have "wow" days this is by far the best place to be in. A whopping 29 degrees C( that's whopping for us at this time of the year) with just a soothing sighing breeze.. and My God!... the people , what would anyplace be without its people..... happy ,smiling, warm, embracing people.
I'm now walking around with masked composure despite the congregation of butterflies in my tummy, doing cartwheels... Six of us are leaving tomorrow.... so its boxes , farewells , hugs , last minute snack lunches, no holes barred conversations with those whom I may or may not see again with revelations that sings sweetly to my ego . ... we make promises in good faith to keep in touch but who knows if we will. I certainly don't.
Strangely I'm not sad just a little over oxygenated but not sad... Another life or should I say another journey awaits.... and life.... well its here to be celebrated.. through sadness, sorrow , joy and grief, lost friends ,existing ones, and ones yet to come...

Ps: My emotions especially the negative ones have been temporarily ousted.The sun wins today.. :)

Countdown...

2006-09-07T20:12:00.000+02:00

All I know now is that whatever I do from hereon has to be for the right reasons. Its going to be lonesome that much I can tell for not many will understand why I do the things I want to do.... when I can simply do the things I am able to do.... why stepping out means more to me than stepping in.
If a free sprit lives within there comes a time to simply let it out....if not to roam as freely as nature intended then to roam within unseen boundaries.

Saving Face.

2006-09-01T13:11:00.000+01:00

We are all striving to make points. ..and there is a point in everything we do or say regardless of its size or significance.

This includes the times you've made a point in the heat of the moment completely ruffled by unrestrained emotion... which started off as composed pearls of wisdom in your mind but sadly left your mouth as nothing more than a string of mumbo jumbo... best saved for the times you find yourself trying to impress your neighbour's baby.

So whether your points are Flashpoints ( ones made with aplomb for the big flashy appeal) or Dim points ( inarticulate ones which are seemingly senseless... almost always made in the flow of great emotion).... its a point.... and what's more if you believe in God then the bonus is someone or should I say "some form" is counting.... one with enough clout to see through flashy and understand Dim.

Now how can you discount any point simply because you can't see the point , discount it for other reasons yeah..because you have discerning rights maybe... but never because its pointless because it rarely is..

(This post is to justify those unfortunate moments when the lack of co- ordination between your brain and mouth leaves you utterly faceless .)
You can never get that moment back... but boy oh boy you can sure as hell try to justify it and if you can't then get yourself a decent lawyer who can... guaranteed to leave a healthy hole in your pocket but still leave you with some sort of face thereby maintaining a semblance of grace....

Grappling...

2006-08-29T09:19:00.000+01:00

Grappling in a world full of maybes and perhaps. Just seems so defeatist accepting either. I prefer .. IT IS.
But I guess hope lives between maybe and perhaps.. and if I believe in hope then I have no choice but to live with maybes and perhaps.( tossing hair back and in melodramatic style ) So be it then !!! BUT ( I love buts).. yeah all kinds in case you're wondering.... ;-p I'll live with IT IS keeping perhaps and maybe at arms length, just in case and of course in moments when back up is required.
I suppose its called having your cake and eating it too.. I've never quite understood why we use that expression , because really what's the use of having cake when you can't eat it rite.

ps: if you can understand any of the above then you and I are on the same page today .. let's hope we do move on though. ;-)

No reason required..

2006-08-23T13:45:00.000+01:00

Ever had days when one song keeps playing in your head.. I don't know why this happens but because I don't know why doesn't mean there is no reason so I choose to blog it.. so that its more accessable to me.... its lyrics that speaks volumes and applies to each and every one of us..
If you chance upon this post.. then this one is for you.

The Rose...
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose. :-)

On the lighter side of life.... :-)

2006-08-15T13:00:00.000+01:00

What's in a name..

A hellllllll of a lot if you're called Fagmie, ( pronounced Fuckme with a guttural c sound).. my apologies to those out there sharing the same name.. but lord forbid I'll call my child that.
At best it sounds like someone highly intoxicated shouting profanities at themselves.
I had the misfortunate of meeting someone with the very same name.... bewildered and amused as I was I did everything in my power not to refer to him by name least it be interpreted as an invitation albeit lacking in real intention or inclination.

True story.. names and places have NOT been changed

Getting it right.( no pun intended)

2006-08-11T17:42:00.000+01:00

For someone who has never kept a diary of any sort nor been particularly fond of writing or reading (I'm an average reader).... I wonder why the heck I now keep up this blog. My writing is not a true reflection of me.. its just me trying hard to portray me and my everyday thoughts might I add to the best of my limited ability.

Looking back on some old posts of mine I suppress the urge to delete them immediately but after second thoughts I let them be... to remind me of who I think I am as opposed to who I really think I am.

All this uncertainly regarding my identity comes from the fact that I may be going though a mid life crisis of some sort. I hate labels and the fact that I should fall prey to a crisis that hardly compares with that of any real crisis...( ever heard of people in war torn areas claiming to be having a mid life crisis).. but it exists, people have been known to destroy their lives over it... so its seriousness is not be scoffed at and the descriptions of all the symptoms fits me like a glove. DRATttttttt!!!! .
Now... after reading a whack about the subject I've found out that there are millions out there who among many other issues... have no clue who they are too.
So maybe that's my justification for writing as someone else .. its certainly not because I can't find the words to express who I am ( wink wink).. its because I have no clue who I am.

Signed .. anon.

ps : its funny though.. I never had these thoughts when I was in my late teens or even before I got married or even for a good few years after being married.. I seemed to know who I was then or even if didn't... it didn't matter. Life was for living and living did not mean having an identity. Now why does it have to take a crisis to convince me of that now.

The impact of change...

2006-08-10T15:14:00.000+01:00

There are days when you have a whole lot to say, others when what you've said makes no sense at all and then there are those days when you wish you had the benefit of hindsight before you said anything at all.
In essence... the impact of change can make a mockery of most of what we say but we continue to say it regardless perhaps with a hope that some words will stand the test of time.

Quiet Surrender..

2006-08-09T13:02:00.000+01:00

I have lived with him long enough to know the way to his heart. Sadly I could not always follow. My heart and constitution is simply not strong enough to handle and frankly neither is the heart or constitution of the average person. Hence it never bothered me much in the past to want to change. Comfort zone= Average.
But this meant us going separate ways much too often and loneliness is a curse I no longer care to carry so with much coaxing and great surprise I'm venturing where I did not go before...henceforth with sullen face I go with the smallest of expectation i.e. to bring back a smile.
The world is out there so they keep telling me.

C'est la vie..

2006-07-26T20:31:00.000+01:00

It looks like the worse is over. I'm now grateful for getting my health back to normal, sleeping is easier too so my mind must be calmer than it has been. There are less anxiety attacks, I'm just going to ride this one out i.e. my countdown time before saying my farewell's... but in the meanwhile I'm back to chasing fun like I once used too. Signed up for another type of class much to the delight of my hips but I'm no where near bragging yet..... so lets wait and see and besides I have limited time to accomplish what I want to as I'm out of here in two months time and won't be able to attend classes thereafter. But if living is for the now that's what I'm doing. Of course I have bouts of sadness which is natural and it still makes be angry because it seems so stupid and such a waste but I can't change a thing especially not how people think and more importantly how they feel.. So for now I'm settling for... the ultimate of all cliché's... c'est la vie...

Hopeless !!!

2006-07-19T20:41:00.000+01:00

Hope is something I've always believed it , thought it has to exist in order for me to live but last night while lying under the stars in my hot bubbly love tub I imagined what it would be like if I could live without hope. Now surely that must be the best kind of living. I'm far from reaching that ideal but I imagined if I could live without hope of any kind then I'll be living just for now.. and by so doing I would be focussing only in the now instead of worrying about what happened and what may happen.
Just imagine.. for one mouth watering delicious moment I thought I could do it too until I saw a shooting star and of course as usual out of habit I made a wish and hoped it would come true.
Hopeless!!!!

Everything CAN wait...

2006-07-16T14:17:00.000+01:00

Its been a brutal last few days, being ill just makes it all the more worse. Confusion reigns when I'm not sure if my lungs are packing in or my heart is breaking.
All this after having my fair share of emotional onslaught...from family , work and so called friends...but in earnest I'm not sure how I really feel, which is scary because when dealing with emotional stuff I should imagine its best to deal with them as it happens.. ..but sometimes it all becomes a tad too much.. that's when I find it hard to react at all.
There are just too many questions.. unjustifiable actions and words .. everything keeps going round and round my head without reaching finality.
I'm a master as justifying almost any situation often to my own detriment .. but then there are situations when it just takes me a lot longer and then invariably I end up settling for a string of clichés like.. such is life, you can't change the world, takes all kinds etc etc. which is small comfort to me.i.e someone who has to rationalise almost everything she does.
Now all I can think of is a line I heard on a sitcom recently which keeps coming back at me.. "I can't afford to fall apart right now" now adopted as my mantra, morning noon and night.
My hurt or pain or disappointment whatever the hell it is I feel, can wait... take a number.... hopefully in the process it becomes an insignificant dot in my brain which can then be dissolved in a big fat solitary tear.

Different worlds...

2006-07-11T18:25:00.000+01:00

On a chilly winter's evening.... my world is still and peaceful . I can hear the winds blowing fiercely outside but I am warm and snug indoors beside my fire, my body slightly batted from an invasion of the flu bug , my mind a little like cotton wool on account of the drugs I've been taking but the shock horror of the bombings on the railways in Bombay was a sober and sombre awakening to the world out there and its atrocities. Bombay, a city that tugged at my heart strings in my 48 hr stay over.. a city that beckons me to return... now in a state of chaos and disruption. I can only say a prayer for those who have to endure the suffering and hope that all's well with my friends out there.

Maybe..

2006-07-08T11:26:00.000+01:00

Great night out-not so great morning in.
Everyone keeps telling me how different its going to be.. like a new lease on life, once I leave the corporate world to venture out on my own. First hand experience from others who'd gone through the very same.. its true they do appear to have changed for the better, so there's a glimmer of hope.

There is a yearning within me to take a short break ,go back to India maybe.. this time with the right mindframe..I wish I could convince my husband to come with,but now is not the right time to talk to him ,he's been lost for a while both in mind and body,consumed by his own world and its people.

I look at him and see how he's changed , the transformation quite amazing and evident in spite of my closeness to him.I'm filled with pride and happiness but can't help feeling that in comparison to him I have not moved at all.Maybe now's the chance for change for me..but who am I kidding real change can only come if I will it to.. not by influence alone.

A scary thought.

2006-07-05T14:30:00.000+01:00

I've never believed in the "oneness of love".. if I did I would be content simply just to love myself..
Our love has endured over the many years that we've been together as partners in life simply because of the differences between us.
Its those differences that have made us dependable on each other to the extent that we are but all along we've managed to remain as we would like to be,two separate and unique individuals.. We are not one.
Now I sit here and wonder what will became of me if I just allow myself to became an extension of him, or his shadow.. Am I even capable of doing that.?

woe is me.

2006-07-03T10:13:00.000+01:00

Lying in bed last night I'm thinking why is it I hate sleeping. The truth be known I find it harder these days to sleep like I once did. My mind is in red alert/ overdrive, and I can't stop trying to re- arange the world inside my head, but when the morning comes it finds me with my brain quite dead.
So if I'm late that's my reason, if my mood is foul that's also the reason, of course it doesn't help trying to make up for lost time while driving behind some ol toot, who is obviously sightseeing BUT driving on the fast lane. It doesn't help too that recently I've paid some hefty fines for driving above the speed limit, Well it all just sucks, I could get off my car and run faster than the speed limits in some zones, Now honestly..!!!!

Pain.

2006-06-30T12:08:00.000+01:00

While my life lay ahead of me his was coming to an end. I stood by the bed and watched as he took his last few breaths.
The faces around me told me I was meant to cry which I did dutifully.

Some say he was talented , but that talent was suffocated in the times we lived, misdirected by his addiction.
Music was his life, classical Jazz his passion. I never understood how a grown man could cry as he did , tears rolling down his face while he made us all listen to what he said were the some of the greatest, over and over again.
We were three, none as musical as he was,none as appreciative as he was , still somewhere I must carry his gene.He was my father and I was the apple of his eye.

I saw then, felt much later, but understand now.
Pain that we are each born to carry never leaves you, never dies... it just re- surfaces time and time again sometimes through the eyes of relative strangers.That's probably why we warm to some and not others..... why we fail to explain why we stay when clearly we should move on.

Crossroads..

2006-06-23T22:37:00.000+01:00

Yet another , much sooner than I expected. Despite the stress that goes with having to make a life changing move its been the most remarkable 8 months of my working career ever. The main reason apart from the work itself is the people I have worked with, by far the most jovial and light-hearted bunch ever.The comradeship simply mind-blowing.. an example OUR RAINBOW NATION at its best.

Working with them I've learnt that I'm far too serious .. will be dead in the next decade if I don't watch my high stress levels, that I tend to call a spade a spade using language not generally associated with a woman that looks like me..or any woman for that matter... will never know what looks have to do with what comes out of one's mouth and why language should be sexist... but never mind....

In a few months all this will be history, I'll hold the memories for as long as I can but in time even that will go. I am incredibly scared not to mention anxious as I have no plans, not a clue as to what I'll do or where I'll go.... all that is clear to me is that this sacrifice I make has something to do with love ( me at my melodramatic best) the rest I'll figure out in time. My partner in life, God bless his heart, has re- assured me that this may turn out to be the best thing I've ever done.. I have no choice but to put my money on him.

Its hard..

2006-06-19T14:15:00.000+01:00

To resist the temptation just to talk to you, to share with you news both good and bad, a joke or two.
Learning to be a master of my mouth as opposed to a slave to my words..
not easy ..

This solitary spot..

2006-06-17T09:34:00.000+01:00

Take these thoughts for what they're worth
I no longer wish to retain them
They've been around for too long and overstayed their welcome
They plague me with their monotony
In fact I 'd like to make them mute
better still I'll leave then here, chained to this solitary spot
Perhaps a stranger passing by may chose to adopt them
Then again perhaps its wiser not to.

On this day- You

2006-06-16T11:20:00.000+01:00

There are no signs.. like you promised me... my beliefs lie suspended. but I am what I am because of you and although its a little harder to go on, your love and all that you did for me is what keeps me alive.. and of course the memories of love right to the bitter end.

Wannabe

2006-06-15T21:43:00.000+01:00

I want to be your friend.. but you're not too keen I can tell. The reasons are pretty clear to me but I was hopeful that I could obliterate them. On the face of it its a juvenile engagement but it goes way deeper than that. It transgresses my prejudices and your limitations, its crude , harsh and extremely venomous .. but it lures me none the less.
There are limitations in what I can say or do.. it fascinates me as I tow the line.. scares me too because its a thin line and I'm bound to falter.. if I do I'll lose you- my friend, I wish just this once there could be a forever but forever is just a word ,I know.. still... don't want to have to lose someone as precious as you.

Take two..

2006-06-15T21:15:00.000+01:00

Two minds to take me through.. one filled with the realities of life and the other filled with a life so far removed from it, its often difficult to extract myself from it.The trick of course is trying to find the balance between the two....I think I'll die trying..

Honesty..

2006-06-15T21:01:00.000+01:00

In this day and age its made to order.. Now that's real SAD.

New beginnings...

2006-06-12T12:41:00.000+01:00

I think not
there are no beginnings
no endings
just somewhere in the middle, where I find myself , waiting to pick up from where I left off, waiting to blossom only to die again, and then of course to start all over again.